I am so happy that we have finally entered 2005.  I feel that this year  will be a year of change for me. It is inevitable.  I can feel the presence of change all throughout me.  It is like a gentle, cool breeze, which beckons me.  The same coolness that is present in spring.  It is comforting.  I would like to think that this gentleness implies, that the changes this year will be healthy and rewarding.

Last year was geared toward establishing faith.  Faith in God and faith in myself.  I believe the lesson learned was to cast all of my cares before God and lean upon myself for resilience.  It took me almost the entire year to get that one.  Yes, I am somewhat stubborn.  I recall initially running to the top of a mountain peak and crying out to the world.  I sought out what I thought was  every rescue source.  I grasped hands that always remained closed. I stared earnestly into the whites of averted eyes.  It was not until I found myself alone on the mountain amidst a tempest, that I understood.  The whole time God was asking me to look toward him for the answer.  If he chose not to respond it was then my queue to look within myself. 

Last year was also about anger.  I was VERY angry at things I thought I had once abandoned.  My anger was not violent.  The outlet was in the form of sarcasm and insult.  I jabbed at anyone and anything that caused me the slightest discomfort.  I realized early in the year that I was consumed with flames.  However, it was not until December that I actually confronted these flames. The mêlée lingered for what seemed like forever.  In the end, I would like to think that I was the victor.  The remaining tiny flame was transformed into a smoldering ash by my tears. I am not sure if these were tears of triumph, regret, or guilt. But they flowed purposefully nonetheless.

So now we are in 2005 and I sense change.  I think this will be a challenging year and a rewarding year.  I have been cloaked in a quilt of laziness and fear for quite sometime.  It is time that I unshackle myself from this covering and move ahead.  This I fear will be the greatest challenge. I have created stumbling blocks and strategically placed them in areas of my life so that I could  use them as shelter as well.  To eradicate these would mean letting go of the only defense mechanism that I have. Without  excuses and circumstances to cover me, It will just be me…nothing else.  I cannot help but wonder…what if I place all of me out  there…unrestrained…the best I have to offer…and then fail miserably. What if I am rejected. What then? Isn’t that the purpose building a defense; to protect that which is the most vulnerable? Regardless, moving forward is inevitable.  I feel that if I do not act this year, then change will nock but once upon my door and leave. WELCOME 2005!!!!!! J

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