During lunch there was some discussion of love, marriage, dating and just screwing around.  I was more of a listener then an active participant.  Everyone could tell I was less than amused by what I was hearing.  It was saddening to listen to both sides of the sex sit and belittle each other.  One woman exclaimed that the greatest power that a woman has is allowing her man to believe he is in control.   What?!?! A young man commented that he would never allow himself to fall completely for a woman. He proceeded to go into gory detail, about how he maneuvers a woman’s emotions; in the end, she is the one left on the bottom and not him.  Another man later on in the day remarked that commitment was for those who don’t know how to play the field.  In his eyes “I Love you” equates to “I want your panties and I will say and do what I need, in order to get in them”.

At one point I interrupted and asked “have any of you ever been in love?”  There was chuckling and snide remarks.  For many it had been awhile.  There seemed to be some pride associated with the fact that they would not allow someone that close to them!?!?!?! 

One young lady announced that she was in love  presently.  I asked her to talk about that.  She proceeded to go into detail about all the benefits she received from the relationship.  I must say that her lover takes care of her quite well.  I interrupted and said “ I asked you how you felt…why you cared for him, not the benefits you reap from your decision”. She told me flatly that she was describing her feelings.  Can she really not distinguish between the two? Another person piped in, mentioning that if the shoes were reversed her demands would include yada, yada…and that and if anything changed she would be out the door! A man scoffed and remarked how he controls the ‘game’ and how he will never let a woman use love to play him again.

I remember once  I had gone on and on about how difficult it was to be a mother.  A co-worker interrupted me and stated that I should be grateful and look at it all as a blessing.  She mentioned that she hated listening to parents gripe because she was not able to bear any children of her own.  I somewhat feel like her now.  I don’t know if it is because I am single that I feel ostracized from this conversation, or if I truly feel and think differently.  All I know is that at the moment I feel disturbed. Everyone had so many expectations and demands and I doubt any of them could ever meet their own standards.

What ever happened to just loving someone completely; for all that they are and everything that they are not. True love does not hold expectations.  True love is about giving and not receiving.  Have you ever been head over heels in love?  What a wonderful feeling! When it occurs you find that your love remains unaffected, even when things turn out different than you expected.  To set ridiculous standards and expectations is setting yourself up for heartache.  I have noticed that I will expect nothing from the world and therefore I am rarely disappointed.  However, I have been guilty of caring for someone and therefore placing that person on a higher pedestal and requiring more from that individual.  End result-I was miserably let down.  Why? Because those we allow ourselves to care for are the ones who can truly hurt us.  Funny thing is, they do not always intend to hurt us.  We expect so much from them that when we discover that they did not meet all of our expectations (after all they are only human), we feel betrayed. Sometimes, they will do something so general (e.g. show up late to a date, make a snide remark, forget your birthday J) and yet it feels as if they had just slapped you across the face.  If a stranger or even a co-worker were to do that, it would not even be a big deal.

I am a visual person, so bear with me.  As you can see below, the same act incurs a different degree of offense based on the expectations that one sets for others/self.

Myself- I expect the utmost.	Telling
Others- I care for you & expect you to be in- tune/sensitive to me.	a
Others- The World	lie

 (each color signifies a degree of offense-obviously,red being the most offensive)

That may be one of the risks in caring for someone too prematurely/being infatuated.

Have you ever done something wonderful for someone and found yourself consumed with joy, even when you receive nothing in return? Have you ever loved someone so much that you were willing to lay it all on the line for him/her?  Many discredit this as being “foolish” “sprung” “played” “childish” and so forth.  But that is NOT true.  That is the purest love of all. It is agape love.  It is a love that has no conditions and requirements. If it were something childish, then why is it also illustrated as the love that a mother feels for her child.  If it were so foolish, then why is agape love the love that is pronounced as God’s true love.  It is how he feels toward his creation.  Pure and unadulterated. When Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, he used the word agapeo (derivative from Greek word agape).  Peter could not see past his own cares and responded with “yes, Lord I love you” but in the phileo context.  Phileo is where I see many people now a days. It is when you affectionately care for someone, but with limitations.  It is the “I love you, BUT…” or the “I could love you IF”. It is the give and the take.  Naturally, this is where we all must begin…but some never graduate to the next level.  They become so pre-occupied with making sure things are 50/50; that they are not the ones being used. They neglect to grow.

This ‘feeling” is not something to be ashamed of, but rather something to be embraced.  I tire of listening to people who place their pride before their feelings.  They are so afraid of being hurt, played, used, or laughed at, that they miss the point.  They never open up. Worse yet, there are those who have no desire for this sort of thing.  They are content to use others for selfish gain.

Many place standards that should not really matter. I think everyone should have standards, but “standards” should not dictate the relationship.  If your spouse is cheating that is one thing.  But if your lover decides to pursue a career that is not as lucrative…why threaten to leave?  If you meet someone who seems wonderful in every aspect except for one-why discount that person. Are you perfect?    Why do so many people place value on what status, what peers think, what family thinks…what ever happened to compatibility? And if you were to tell someone that you love them, then do it.  Don’t hold back.  Don’t belittle them to your peers.  Love is not hurtful it is uplifting. 

One young gal said that she loves her man, he wants to marry her and they have been engaged for a min. She cheats on him and will never marry him.  Her reasoning is that he is crappy in bed.  For some reason that hurt me! LOL!  I don’t know this man, but from how she describes him, he seems to really have it together.  She will not let him go but will not fully commit either. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?!?!?!  At the table people laughed and agreed with her decision.  If she invested as much time into communicating what she needs in bed, experimenting and offering training, she might be married by now.  Not to mention, there are some things you just don’t say in regards to the person you love.  This is again a good example.  I am sure that at some point we will all meet him at a company function.  No one will take him seriously and we will all note that he is a lousy lover.  Somehow, I cannot help but reminisce when I was in love.  I recall being defensive about my partner…not offensive!

Love does not seek out its own pleasure (unless of course you are living your life through an Eros based love). It seeks nothing but it’s beloved and the pleasure of its beloved. It is the deriving of pleasure from delivering pleasure; this provides the nutrient.  Love is a rooted feeling that grows and springs forth fruit as time passes.  Those who claim to love and are not rooted endure only as long as it is easy for them.  Let’s not forget those who love for the thrill of it.  All the drama entailed, the gratification of knowing that someone thinks you are higher than you are…Don’t get me wrong, I am just rambling my thoughts and I am not here to say who is TRULY in love and who is NOT.  These are just my thoughts and opinions.  I expressed them at the table but was met with hostility.  I am now retreating to my safe place and ventilating here.

Lastly, the thought that sends a tear trickling down my cheek:

Those who may proclaim love without restrictions; allowed to falsely proclaim love without intentions.  I fear that I may meet someone like that.  It is the one thing that keeps me clinging to my single-hood.  To let go into the arms of someone limited by his own inhibitions. Placing myself out there and not being appreciated or worse becoming part of someone’s cynical game. In the end I comprise all that I described.  I may not talk about it.  I may not belittle men.  But my fears keep me withdrawn in the phileo world as well.  In essence, I am producing the same results as those listed above. Sigh! L

This was a very good piece about love. To be frank, the people you were talking to sound absolutely ghastly. All they want to do is grab something and give nothing back. Sometimes to maintain your integrity, you do have to be alone a lot of the time.

I think if a person you are in love with, doesn't treat you like a friend, then they are not worth it. Friends are not perfect and sometimes stuff up, but they forgive honest mistakes, they like each other and they show it, no matter who else is around, and they also bring out the best in each other. I think that if you have a 'friend' or 'lover' who isn't like this, then they should be dumped so that you can find more worthy people to be with (and it's a goose/ gander thing so if you can't be honest with someone you should withdraw and let them go).

I have a friend who is taking all sorts of treatment from a man that she would never accept from a friend (last minute cancellations, not being included in his social life, treated one way in public and another in private). I think (I hope) that she is only infatuated and not in love.

Hello Claire, thanks for stopping by. I enjoyed reading your comment and I certainly hope your friend will come to her senses!

WOW!!! You weren't kidding when you said you were going to write something up on love. Of course this is everything we have talked about. I see and hear everything you talked about. That is why I am in no hurry to get involved with the wrong girl. Girls are just as bad as guys these days. You don't know how many times I hear girls talk about what a guy can give them financially or what they can offer. I like when you asked what happened to people being excited that they are in love. The great feeling you get when you are in love. I haven't felt that in over 8 years or so, so I know what you are saying. I am waiting for that girl that does get me excited and not just someone who can help me buy a house quicker or is a good mother for my children. I want to be excited about her and have no doubts she is the one for me. I don't blame you for having any doubts in men, but remember all men are not the same. There are the very few and far between that are special. You are a very special girl that I have never met before. You are almost unreal,...too good to be true. In my world rock n' roll there are definitely no girls like you. Hopefully we get a chance to meet up some day. BT

Thank you BT. You are always so sweet. You are right I do need to watch it before I become too cynical! "You are a very special girl that I have never met before. You are almost unreal,...too good to be true. In my world rock n' roll there are definitely no girls like you." That was terribly sweet of you. :) I could use that right now. As I told you earlier, I had a real bum weekend. It is always nice to hear that someone thinks you are special. I think you are special as well BT. You are true blue. :)

Thanks for dropping by! Phew long post I did not manage to read it all as I am currently emailing a friend and she gets angry I f I dont email straight back!, Bye

Oh my goodness! I just stopped by today, and I am highly impressed! You seem like a very cool and grounded person!

Gee, some people can be so manipulative! What is this world coming to? I mean, kids dating in grade 7 is scary enough! *cough* my brother *cough*

Thanks for stopping by!

wow...and yeah...not good to be so politically motivated about loving....i not sure that this isn't a male piergroup thing....until a guy gets pass that there no reckoning about their behavior...hang in there...i'm hanging there too...blessings...pheebs

I came by way of Bogart's Journal...and I must say I am very glad that I did...You have a very unique and honest way of looking at Love...If only more people looked at it the way you do...there wouldn't be so much heartache in relationships....but unfortunetly today the world is in a "replacement mode"...(if they don't like it send it back and get a different one) plus we live in a "Me, Me" world....seems like people are so wrapped up in themselves that there just isn't any room in their lives for anything else, but them...I pray that you will find "True Love"...for someone like you has something special to offer another...of truly great quality and reference...May God Bless You with what you dream of...Thanks again for the wonderful post on Love...Take Care.

All I can say is "Wow." It is very refreshing to read some of your thoughts on the subject of love. I also find it disturbing how far gone we are from true love, where everyone is paranoid about getting played (*rolls eyes*) to love beyond a superficial level. I often question my own experiences of love, what love is, what it isn't. Your post gave me a lot to think about.

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