He takes my hand

A tender touch encompass' all that I am.

I look into his eyes

Within them I am able to be me...free of all disguise.

He accepts me for all I am, everything I am not and all I shall be

His love allows me to be me.

How could I have ignored his presence-the thought causes my heart to mourn.

Why did I waste my time seeking disappointments twin? A journey that has left my soul forlorn.

But now...

He takes my hand

He holds me as only a true man can.

A tender touch &"I am woman" empowered through my identity,

I am surrounded by a whole new sense of unity.

I feel the burn of passion once more-

For him whom I adore.

-E.A. (Faeridrops) 2005

Saw a few inquiries and I just wanted to give everyone the heads up.

I so enjoy conversing with everyone here and I must admit that "blog time" is one of my favorite pastimes. However, at this time I need to back away from the online world. I am just super busy at present. New things with work, weddings, social events and school are just taking up all hours of my day. Especially school and those blasted 40 page reports!!!!!!! Ugh! Shoot me now!

Feel free to still stop by and say hello! As soon as I clear my plate a little I will be back, and look forward to talking to everyone once again!

Cheers!

Faeridrops

Before I get into the weekend I just need to vent for one paragraph...

 Ugh! Yours truly is not a happy camper at the moment. I went in Sat to get a trim.  My hair was quite uneven after the braids. Certain strands slipped past my shoulders while the bulk of my hair gathered around my collar bone.  The person I normally see no longer works there.  Her replacement was a very nice lady who delivered remarkable conversation, but less than remarkable results. She mentioned that she was suffering from a sinus infection (hmm, that should have been a warning). I quizzed her on curly hair and she seemed knowledgeable...so we proceeded. After a few min I could tell that she was agitated. I asked her what was wrong and she kept telling me that she was having trouble evening up all of my hair. WHAT!?!?!?!  You cannot “even up” curly hair. ARG!!!!! I told her that I was pleased with the results and that she could stop.  She agreed but insisted on cutting a little more in the back to round it out.  Well, once it dried…it was just a horror!  My hair went from shoulder length, to just under my ear!!!!! The back is a little bit longer and reaches just under my neck. I have two types of curls. On top I have wavy-curly and underneath I have tighter spiral curls. Somehow she layered the back and now you can see both types. All of my tight curls are now exposed from the middle of my head down. I suppose the good news is that I am now working with just my healthy hair (I am pretty sure she cut all of the dead ends and then some) so that is always nice. The curls look livelier since there is not so much weight holding them down. And my hair is indeed round, instead of the wedge look I had before. *sigh*

I have received a few compliments, so that makes me feel a little better. Although it is a little strange, everyone who has mentioned how nice my hair looks is a female. Only the men seem to disapproveL, but hey-what do they know right! J

Okay, the weekend was wonderful.  Friday my young moo tried out for her yellow belt and made it!!! YEAH!!! I was so happy. I sat on the edge of my seat with anticipation all over my face.  When she was done I stood up and clapped. I fought every urge to yell out Encore! Encore! LOL.  She was so precious. Before hand we were mentally preparing ourselves. I asked her what we were here to get and she said “Yellow belt mum.” And I said SAY IT LIKE YOU MEAN IT and she screams “I AM HERE FOR THE YELLOW BELT!!!” It was so cute.

Afterwards, I met up with a friend who officially asked me to be her bridesmaid. Gosh, that makes 4 weddings in one year! I am a bridesmaid for three of them!! While I am completely thrilled, it is also starting to get a little depressing, especially since three of them take place between July and August. L

Sat. after my haircut I met up with the group of women from cyber space. We talked over coffee/coco for hours. We have planned river rafting, hiking, wine tasting and one marathon. If we can all stick to the plan, this should be fairly exciting. There are about 30 something women in this group. The ages range from 21-43, from all walks of life. It is superb.

After the meeting I jetted off to meet another acquaintance from cyber land. He and I went on this lovely walk through this nature wonderland. It was awesome. On one side was a field full of purple, yellow and gold flowers of all types. On the other side were small ponds filled with fish, ducks and geese. Certain spots showcased blackberry bushes or trees. The trees were awesome. I am not sure what type these were.  They did not grow upright; instead the branches grew out and were somewhat twisted and curvy. It reminded me of some tree Holt out of Elfquest. It was the perfect tree for climbing. J There were rabbits everywhere. I caught a glimpse of one eating and three or four hopping about. There were a few birds that were jet black with crimson red feathers on just the upper portion of their wings (shouldersJ).  They were beautiful. I have never seen this species before, so I am not sure what the proper name would be.  It was truly an inspiring walk.

Afterwards we went to a quaint little Italian restaurant and chatted a bit. The conversation was so-so.  But during the drive home things began to get a little interesting. We held a wonderful conversation in regards to theology. I wanted it to continue, but I was already late for another appointment.

I ended up missing out on my appointment and instead met up with yet another cyber buddy. He and I sat and talked in a café and then went to a comedy club.  While we were waiting I made casual conversation with a few waitresses’ who were on break. Well, it turned out that they were also the same waitress’ seating us. We scored seats right in front of the stage. There were only two other couples who lucked out. I spent most of the show with my legs propped against the stage. The show was HILARIOUS!  I have not laughed so hard in quite some time. By the time it was all said and done, it was already 1 am.  We exchanged numbers and I headed home.

Got up at the butt crack of dawn to go to church and then spent the rest of the morning teaching Sunday school class (4 year olds) for the remaining two services. I then took my tired butt home for some rest. J

I suppose you get what you ask for! LOL-ChEeRs!

Okay…update time.  I promised to relay the progress of my attempts at gaining extra friends via online.  Wow! I was actually able to write that without cringing or turning bright red.  Baby steps for Faeridrops! J The response has been somewhat steady…which means there are a lot of other people who must be in the same boat that I am in. Feeling much more confident about the whole situation-I am able to sift through and be (dare I say it) picky! J

There was a married couple that seemed quite nice. I enjoyed our chats and really felt motivated to pursue an actual physical meeting.  But then I began to wonder…what married couple seeks out a single, younger female to befriend.  I’ll tell you what kind... The kind that likes to chop up young single females and bury them in their back yard!  (Insert horror music) That’s who!!!! 

I am sure that they are actually really nice people.  But after Rooster Boy, I would rather play it safe, than be sorry. So that went no where.

Then there was a young woman (I like to call her Miss False Interest).  She will write and then just stop.  Then she will pop up again as if nothing happened and then just stop. Then she will make plans to meet…but the plans are never solid and when forced to clarify or commit, guess what she does?  Yep, STOPS! I have also had the opportunity to run into her cyber sister, brother and cousin.  Strange family really…J

I have met a single mother who seems absolutely delightful. The only problem is that she never has time to meet. Hmmm, kind of defeats the whole purpose, does it not????

I think I may have finally struck gold…today I had lunch with a young lady who seems quite remarkable. She is married with no children, but lots of animals. She is sweet and full of energy.  She works in the forensics field (oooohhhh!) and just completed a double major in Biology and Criminal Justice. Hmmm, my kind of girl.  Lunch went by quickly (which is always a good sign).  We laughed and chatted about miscellaneous topics. Not the most inspiring of convo, but good chemistry.  The only downside fell on my own shoulders. L  I can at times be VERY SHY.  When I am nervous or feeling shy, I tend to close up/act like I have only one over exerted brain cell.  So there was a rocky beginning, but after mentally slapping myself three times, I was able to get into the groove again. LOL 

She seemed to enjoy herself and gave me her number afterwards. YIPPEE!  Now…I must not get too excited.  Although I cannot help but picture us as new “Bosom Buddies”.  Just like Anne and Diana (from the novel Anne of Green Gables).  I can be Diana with my not so long and not so straight dark locks, and she can be Anne with her out of the box electric red hair (no joke).  *sigh* Okay, back to reality.

I have also met a gentleman who I will be seeing this weekend. We have both made it clear that we are on a friendly basis. He has made dinner reservations at a lovely restaurant and I have made plans for a comedy club afterward. THIS SHOULD BE FUN!  I will keep you posted…

Cheers!

Here are some of my all time favorite quotes.  I actually have quite a few (lol) but these are the ones I have been reflecting on this week.  Since I have nothing else to write I figured I would just share.

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
---Louisa May Alcott

Is this just beautiful or what!  I just love this quote, I really do.  I am not sure why it has become one of my favorites.  When I have “me time” I spread myself on the floor and stare up at the ceiling. If I am not listening to music- I will just repeat this quote over and over in my mind-staring at the blank canvas above.  I let my body sink into the carpet and I am reminded of home.  I lay in the warm grass surrounded by wild flowers, with just my feet in the moist sand.  My eyes are closed and I am full of hope. I feel it move throughout my body, warming me from head to toe.  When the wind blows I can feel my desires pass by, tickling my skin like blades of grass.  My nose is filled with sweet scents of accomplishment as I inhale the mingled fragrance of goals met and goals placed before me. I arch my back and aim high. I can feel ambition beating down upon me, as strong and heavy as the sun. It is then that I am full of joy.  I open my eyes and realize that I am on my carpet giggling and I wonder if any of my neighbors have seen me.

We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand ­ and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late. -Marie Beyon Ray

This moment, sparkling like a star…melting like a snowflake. Can you see it! *sigh* it just makes me really appreciate things. When I am reflecting over the words I cannot help but picture a tiny hand holding a prism of light.  The hand begins to transform and grow and the prism remains constant in size.  As the hand grows larger (adulthood) the now tiny prism becomes so meaningful…so precious. The tiny light begins to flicker. Like the snowflake it melts away, leaving only the memories of its radiance behind.  Time…the most precious of possessions.

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn. -- Alvin Toffler

All I can say is…this is so true! LOL.

The hardest challenge is to be yourself in a world where everyone is trying to make you be somebody else. -- E. E. Cummings

Ugh! Can it be Monday already!!!! LOL My weekend went by so quickly!  My friend ended up not coming to visit, due to miscommunication problems.  As it turned out-everything worked out for the best.

Friday night I hit up Blockbuster.  I really want to go to the movies and see Constantine. But no one wants to join me. Has anyone seen it yet? If so is it any good? I have resolved that I will see it this week even if I am to go solo. 

So I ended up watching 28 days…woo…that is a scary movie.  It is basically about an infection (carried by a chimp) which crosses over to the human race and just wipes everyone out. What made it so horrific, was the fact that the whole occurrence is possible. The writer took the time to create something believable and even followed through to the last detail.  For example-there were scenarios surrounding the issue of availability of goods, perishable food items, contaminated water supply, etc...

I don’t want to give the movie away to anyone, so I cannot go into detail as to why it was so scary.  But I will say that there was one scene that I cannot seem to shake. It was a scene that took place in long tunnel.  At one point you just see a bazillion rats running and screeching.  Then you see the infected humans about two min later.  What is so freaky about it is rats are not scared of ANYTHING. They will be tramping along in the sewer and run into an alligator, and if traveling solo, may scamper…but not freak out ( I know this of course, because I spend my time stomping through sewers infested with rats and alligators, LOL, RRRRIIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTT). So to see all of these rats scurrying everywhere means that they sense something so incredibly menacing…ugh!  Needless to say, after the movie ended I promptly removed the DVD and placed it in my car for the remainder of the night.  Somehow I felt removing the movie from the vicinity would purge my apartment of all evil. LOL

The remainder of the weekend was spent with friends. I did go on one mini date that turned out quite nice. Lunch and the bookstore. This individual shares my passion for reading…which is just wonderful. He inspired me to connect with what I love most (insert faeries, elves and dragons). In fact he has read ALL of Tolkien’s works and has three maps of middle earth over various stages!  He even knows Elfquest and Pini art!!!! LOL 

The last few books I have read, concentrated on cults and various religions. Then there was one self-help book on intimidation. While I enjoy reading those sorts of books they do nothing for my artsy fartsy side. He introduced me to the Dargonlance series.  Has anyone read these?  I can already feel the imaginative juices flowing. LOL So I begin the series along with Da Vinci Code.

There was this journal/date book that rated each man and date a girl went on. It was horrible!  It literally disected each trait and aspect of the date and the man (from looks -behavior-resemblances- presentation- conversation- atmosphere…)  then required a rating for each as well. Yep, pure evil, I thought as the cashier bagged it for me.

There was just one minor hiccup on the date.  I am not a person who holds a lot of "favorites" (ie. no favorite food, color, music, etc...) therefore I find myself surrounded by various groups and interests.  My date obviously must have  stereotyped me.  He kept stopping and exclaiming “wow! I never would have thought you liked this…or did that…or yada yada”.  He seemed genuinely excited, and I knew he meant it as a compliment…but by the end of the day I just wanted to bop him over the head and scream GET OVER IT SHORTY! For crying out loud dude! I can’t believe you trip so much! I cannot believe you like to annoy me! LOL… All in all I had a good time.

Sunday night, I decided to stay in and listen to some jazz and have a glass of merlot. As I lay on the floor staring at the ceiling, I started playing with my hair (a horrible habit that needs breaking) I noticed that I had a few split ends. I decided that it was time to take out my braids (I had long braids that reached my bum).  It was too late to take them all out that night.  So I decided I would just cut the braids shorter and let them unravel throughout the week.  *sigh* I snipped and snipped…when I was done I stared into the mirror.  Hmmm….did not realize I had cut so much!  Looks almost the same length as my natural hair. Uh-oh….

I jumped on the sink counter and pulled one braid out for closer examination.  The truth was revealed…I HAD CUT SOME OF MY OWN HAIR!!!! Oh the pain and the horror! Now, I would not be so upset if my hair grew like a weed…but it doesn’t.  It grows VERY SSSLLLLOOOWWW!  *sigh* I wanted to just cry…but I didn’t.  I mean…there is really nothing I can do about it anyway.  I think I need a moment of silence (insert long pause).

So now I have shoulder length braids.  Everyone still seems to like them. I have been told that I look quite scholarly… (Insert valley girl) like whatever! LOL

*yawn* new day. J  I am so happy that it is FRIDAY.  Ugh…this week has been long. Not sure why I am always so tired. It is starting to bug me. I mean I am busy…but just as busy as most folks.  So I am not sure what the deal is. L

As far as the co-worker goes…I am done with it all. Thanks everyone for all your input.  This was not so much of an emotional issue than it was a pride issue.  There has not been enough interaction for me to be linked to him emotionally.  It’s just that I have to keep seeing him…over and over and over…and each time I see him I feel like an idiot all over again!  LOL. But writing it all out helped me.  Like the song says “everybody plays the fool.” LOL. J

I am listening to Staple Singers Let’s Do It Again. You know…they just do not make songs like they used to. J  These lyrics are so simple, the voice is convincing, and the beat…I just cannot help but move to the sound. Unlike a lot of the music played on the radio today.

It seems everyone is trying so hard to come up with new stuff or rehash old goodies…it just is not working. And the singers all feel the need to belt it out like they are Whitney Houston or Celine Dion…it just does not do it for me. I like things simple…this song is simple and I am lovin’ it.  It is to the point, it says what is in my heart and it keeps me grooving.  Although, I am not too sure about the line I am not a girl who lingers…but I feel like a Butterfinger… Yeah…not feeling that…it’s like Mayfield became stumped but still needed one more line.  He was better off just cutting it. LOL. Another favorite from this morning is Sara Smile -Hall and Oates. I LOVE that song or Smokey’s One Heart Beat. Hmmm, I suppose I love everything that I have been playing this morning. LOL. I think Sara Smile is at the top of the charts for the moment. That is just a wonderful song.  I sing it to my moo from time to time (just replacing the name).  

I have a friend visiting this weekend…so I get to play hostess.  I am going to try to convince him that one of the greatest past times is NAP TIME. LOL. Not sure where I will take him. Although I did catch some great ideas for a near by city from my infamous dinner date Wed. night. So I may just head in that direction.

I miss my moo. She has been with her father this week and I do not get to see her until next week.  It is like a double edged sword. When he has her, it gives me time to go out and have some fun…but at the same time I end up missing her so much. L

Other than that nothing really occurring in my neck of the woods…

Private-Lock

Hmmm, following through with my post “This New Year” has proven to be more difficult of a task, than I imagined. Not sure how to light the fire under my bum. L

*sigh* the whole job thing is a tragedy not worth viewing. Good news- it is review time. The new approach basically has the employees writing our own reviews.  Yeah, baby this is gonna get interesting. LOL.

More good news- my weight gain is coming along nicely.  J In January I felt my metabolism starting to slow. I immediately took action!  By February I was 112lbs!  Unfortunately I am back down to 108 lbs (still 4 lbs heavier that in January).  The goal is 116 lbs by summer!  I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT! J I will be a bridesmaid this year and I am determined to fit into my dress!!!!

Many thanks to Wes, who enjoyed my entries so much that he, read EVERY SINGLE ONE in one night.  That made be feel all girly inside. J  Much love to everyone who stops by to say hello and takes the time to read my thoughts…*sniff* I think I feel a tear drop forming. J

Oh, here is a thought…what do you think about soliciting friendships?  Has anyone heard of Craigslist????  There are sections where people solicit dates, “intimate moments” or strictly platonic relationships.  I wondered about that.  I am at a point in my life where, I am tired of the whole club scene and so forth.  I want to do some traveling, hiking, wine tasting, painting, boarding…or just sit with someone and chit-chat.  Many of my friends are still partying it up and not quite ready to do some of the things that now interest me. It is difficult to find people to associate with now-a-days. In HS and college it was a breeze. But now… So I was thinking about the Craiglist.  But it seems so odd and unnatural to respond to a friendship ad. LOL. Or maybe it is just me. J  I have heard horror stories about online dating…anyone have any horror or positive stories about online friendship making. Ugh! That even sounds CRAZY! LOL

Papers and tests! that is all I seem to be doing as of late. My computer broke so the paper and test thing has really become a pain.  Had to drive all over the globe to find a computer to work on. LOL I have been submitting bits and pieces here and there.  I feel like I am just not submitting my best work and it is frustrating to say the least!  I need to really figure out how I am going to get control over my computer. It keeps falling apart on me.  BLASTED TECHNOLOGY!!!! Okay… I vented J

So how has everyone else been?  I seem to have missed out on a lot of stuff. L

"It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied. and if the fool, or the pig, are of a different opinion, it is because they only know their own side of the question. The other party to the comparison knows both sides."

-  John Stuart Mill

But the pig looks so darn happy!

Bye Now......

I know this will make me sound like a completely horrible person-hey at least I am an honest horrible person. J 

It is funny, for Valentines Day I received flowers and a lovely Faerie, from two different people.  I was not all that excited about the flowers and the faerie was lovely but somehow I was happy and yet not???

The reason?  I did not really care about either of the two people. I was thankful…but not grateful (cringe…I know I am evil!!!). It is funny, I could receive three dozen roses from someone and just be neutral.  On the flip side if the person I cared for sent me a rock, I would flip out. Ooh! Look at the pretty rock! There must be a deeper meaning.  The rock must symbolize his “solid” love for me.  The crevices must reflect our intertwined souls.  The squished dead bug underneath must mean ‘till death do us part’…bum bump a dum, bum bump a dum. Sigh…but no such luck.  I suppose that is what an evil person deserves. J I dare not speak this out loud, so I write it instead. LoL

Onward with St. Valentine!

Saint Valentine: Holy Priest of Rome: The date of this Saint Valentine's birth is not known. Along with Saint Marius and his family, Saint Valentine assisted the martyrs during the persecution they suffered under the rule of Claudius II (also known as Claudius the Goth and Claudius the Cruel). In addition, since Rome was at the time involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns, the emperor found it difficult to recruit the male populace into joining his military leagues. Believing this to be because Roman men objected to leaving their loved ones or their families, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements within the City of Rome. Saint Valentine and Saint Marius, however, continued to perform wedding ceremonies in secret. When it was discovered that Saint Valentine was defying the emperor's decree, he was apprehended and dispatched by Claudius to the Prefect of Rome.  Claudius was impressed by Valentine and attempted to convert Valentine to his pagan religion.  Valentine however stood solid in his beliefs and in fact attempted to convert Claudius.  Being unable to force the saint to renounce Christianity, Claudius ordered that Valentine be clubbed, stoned and then beheaded. According to tradition, while Valentine waited in prison for his execution, he corresponded with those under his care by sending letters and love notes to his parishioners. It is also believed that while incarcerated, the Bishop fell in love with a young woman who visited him during his confinement. According to some sources, this was the blind daughter (whose name may have been Julia) of Asterius, the jailer. It is said that God enabled Valentine to miraculously restore the girl's sight. Popular belief indicates that Valentine's farewell message to his love contained a closing that has now transcended time: "From Your Valentine." The saint was executed on February 14 in either 269 A.D. or 270 A.D., it is said that a tree bearing pink almond blossoms (a symbol of eternal love), grew near the grave/execution site. Pope Julius I is said to have built a church near Ponte Mole in the saint's memory at a location once known as Porta Valentini and now called Porta del Popolo.

What a lovely day.  The sun is out and everything seems so peaceful.  It is somewhat windy, but I do not mind.  As I walk to my car the wind blows my hair and for some reason I feel like I should be on the set of ‘Little House on the Prairie’.  It is strange.  I keep fighting this urge to carry a bucket of cows milk and search for my blind sister. LOL.

As I was driving to work I saw the most calming sight.  It was a small hawk (not sure of the breed).  The hawk was flying against the wind.  There was no effort. No stress.  The hawk simply flapped his wings without effort and inched forward.  The wind then glided between his feathers and he just “hung” in the air for what seemed like eternity.  He then flapped his wings and inched closer toward his destination. The wind continuously blew and he just closed his eyes and enjoyed the moment.  There was no care, no flustering of feathers.  He just was. What ever occurred, just occurred.

I sat in traffic and watched him for almost ten min (may have been closer to seven or eight).  He never even passed my car. It was so beautiful.  I imagine myself up there with him, far away form the hustle and bustle.  Just enjoying the awesome strength of the wind as it held me in place. So quiet.  It reminded me how important the little things are.  I was in such a hurry to get to work.  After watching the hawk, I just felt calm and enjoyed the beauty all around me. That feeling still lingers with me now.

I keep wishing I were back at that same moment again.  Instead of watching I would get out of my car and float into the sky.  The wind would take me whichever way it chose.  I would just close my eyes and enjoy being in the moment. Funny thing is, if I were to go outside and I actually began to float into the air, the last thing I would feel is calm. J  Truth be told I would be freaked out.  There would be no enjoying the moment for faeridrops! J

I suppose the only thing to do is close my eyes and jump, hoping that I will catch the frame before I fall. This would go back to my ‘New Years’ post.  Combating fear and stepping out of my comfort zone is the only way to find what I am looking for.  It is actually pretty exciting when you sit and think about it.

Onward Faeridrops- CHARGE!!!!  

  Have you ever just felt like going into your job and blowing everything to pieces?  I have.  In fact I have felt like this all week.  I tire of listening to the martyrs, the false go-getters and such.  I tire of doing work only to have someone else take credit for it.  I tire of working with certain members of management, who have NO CLUE as to what they are doing.  I tire of miscommunication that leads to break downs internally and externally.  I tire of hissy fits, tears and gossip.  I tire of power trips and lack of accountability. 

Therefore I have decided that it would be better to just take everyone out of their supposed misery and bomb the place. LOL.  A little dark humor does wonders for my day.  Such dark humor has also led me to a slightly embarrassing scene:

I was discussing my evil plot with a few members of my dysfunctional step family (aka my job).  As the joke progressed it became more and more twisted, as different people added little annotations. At one point I mentioned that I would act as a sniper on top of a building.  As certain people passed I would let go on my machete.  I made noises that sounded like a cartoon version of a machine gun.  Everyone just kind of stopped and stared at me.  I figured that they were shocked that I would ever say anything like that.  This tends to be a favorite joke of mine (during my dark hours) and I always get an audience full of blank faces.  Such was the case now. I fell to the ground laughing so hard.  Everyone started to laugh with me (later I discovered it was at me)  and we had a jolly time for a good 5 min.  At some point in the day a close friend pulled me aside and explained the error in my ways. 

Um….yeah…it never occurred to me that a machete is actually a knife and not a gun.  Therefore my skit that I have been using over the last couple of years, seems somewhat ludicrous at the moment.  I tried to save face.  I responded like a know-it-all. “Of course a machete is a gun.  Duh? Did you think I did not know that???” I then attempted to revise my skit and turn it into a joke. I explained that what I meant, was that I would throw the machete from the top of the building ( I created the whirring sound again-as if a flying machete resembled an unloading machine gun).  It would strike my victim and then I would yell- “Hey can you throw that back up!” hmmm… no laughter…so now I look like an even bigger idiot and no one caught the joke.  Maybe instead of blowing the building up I should just concentrate on myself. LOL.

CAR

It is a moment of joy and rapture!  Each December, I huddle around my radio tuning in, with hopes of hearing my favorite Christmas song.  I listen to remake after remake just hoping that one station will play my wonderful song. Finally, I hear the comforting cords of the cello (an instrument I would love to learn to play) followed by the rumble of an electric guitar in the background and I know that I am in for a treat.  As I lay on the floor playing my imaginary electric guitar, I realize just how wonderful the holidays can be.  Each year I usually grab snippets here and there, never catching the artist or the title. 

Sadly, this year I have yet to hear my lovely song over the air waves.  I have caught a couple of teasers this week; my hopes raised and my eyes lit up, I turn the volume full blast.  Instead of the glorious music filling my ears I hear Gun’s & Roses!  GRRR!  Don’t get me wrong, I think that they were a great band…BUT they really need to do something about that intro, it is very misleading and one day some disc jockey is going to get hurt playing that song! LOL! I just sit in my car with my head on the steering wheel.  I feel like going out side and just screaming, “Curse you 93.7, 92.5, 105.5, 107.9 and 98.5!!!!”.

But miracles do occur.  Just when I thought all was lost (Christmas music will be leaving the air waves within a good week), a co-worker of mine mentioned a group called Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  As he talked he described a song similar to the one I hold so dear to my heart.  It’s name? Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24.  Curious, I looked it up on the Internet ( you have got to love the technology these days ) and with the help of my dear friend Widows Media Player, I was once again reunited with my song.  I think I may feel a tear drop forming.  Granted there are tons of lovely Christmas carols (i.e. “This Christmas”, The Carpenters “White Christmas, etc…). But my two favorite instrumentals would be “En Excelsis Deo” and “Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24”.

Here is a link if you would like to listen to Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24. 

Christmas Eve in Sarajevo

At one point I interrupted and asked “have any of you ever been in love?”  There was chuckling and snide remarks.  For many it had been awhile.  There seemed to be some pride associated with the fact that they would not allow someone that close to them!?!?!?! 

One young lady announced that she was in love  presently.  I asked her to talk about that.  She proceeded to go into detail about all the benefits she received from the relationship.  I must say that her lover takes care of her quite well.  I interrupted and said “ I asked you how you felt…why you cared for him, not the benefits you reap from your decision”. She told me flatly that she was describing her feelings.  Can she really not distinguish between the two? Another person piped in, mentioning that if the shoes were reversed her demands would include yada, yada…and that and if anything changed she would be out the door! A man scoffed and remarked how he controls the ‘game’ and how he will never let a woman use love to play him again.

I remember once  I had gone on and on about how difficult it was to be a mother.  A co-worker interrupted me and stated that I should be grateful and look at it all as a blessing.  She mentioned that she hated listening to parents gripe because she was not able to bear any children of her own.  I somewhat feel like her now.  I don’t know if it is because I am single that I feel ostracized from this conversation, or if I truly feel and think differently.  All I know is that at the moment I feel disturbed. Everyone had so many expectations and demands and I doubt any of them could ever meet their own standards.

What ever happened to just loving someone completely; for all that they are and everything that they are not. True love does not hold expectations.  True love is about giving and not receiving.  Have you ever been head over heels in love?  What a wonderful feeling! When it occurs you find that your love remains unaffected, even when things turn out different than you expected.  To set ridiculous standards and expectations is setting yourself up for heartache.  I have noticed that I will expect nothing from the world and therefore I am rarely disappointed.  However, I have been guilty of caring for someone and therefore placing that person on a higher pedestal and requiring more from that individual.  End result-I was miserably let down.  Why? Because those we allow ourselves to care for are the ones who can truly hurt us.  Funny thing is, they do not always intend to hurt us.  We expect so much from them that when we discover that they did not meet all of our expectations (after all they are only human), we feel betrayed. Sometimes, they will do something so general (e.g. show up late to a date, make a snide remark, forget your birthday J) and yet it feels as if they had just slapped you across the face.  If a stranger or even a co-worker were to do that, it would not even be a big deal.

I am a visual person, so bear with me.  As you can see below, the same act incurs a different degree of offense based on the expectations that one sets for others/self.

 (each color signifies a degree of offense-obviously,red being the most offensive)

That may be one of the risks in caring for someone too prematurely/being infatuated.

Have you ever done something wonderful for someone and found yourself consumed with joy, even when you receive nothing in return? Have you ever loved someone so much that you were willing to lay it all on the line for him/her?  Many discredit this as being “foolish” “sprung” “played” “childish” and so forth.  But that is NOT true.  That is the purest love of all. It is agape love.  It is a love that has no conditions and requirements. If it were something childish, then why is it also illustrated as the love that a mother feels for her child.  If it were so foolish, then why is agape love the love that is pronounced as God’s true love.  It is how he feels toward his creation.  Pure and unadulterated. When Jesus asked Peter if he loved him, he used the word agapeo (derivative from Greek word agape).  Peter could not see past his own cares and responded with “yes, Lord I love you” but in the phileo context.  Phileo is where I see many people now a days. It is when you affectionately care for someone, but with limitations.  It is the “I love you, BUT…” or the “I could love you IF”. It is the give and the take.  Naturally, this is where we all must begin…but some never graduate to the next level.  They become so pre-occupied with making sure things are 50/50; that they are not the ones being used. They neglect to grow.

This ‘feeling” is not something to be ashamed of, but rather something to be embraced.  I tire of listening to people who place their pride before their feelings.  They are so afraid of being hurt, played, used, or laughed at, that they miss the point.  They never open up. Worse yet, there are those who have no desire for this sort of thing.  They are content to use others for selfish gain.

Many place standards that should not really matter. I think everyone should have standards, but “standards” should not dictate the relationship.  If your spouse is cheating that is one thing.  But if your lover decides to pursue a career that is not as lucrative…why threaten to leave?  If you meet someone who seems wonderful in every aspect except for one-why discount that person. Are you perfect?    Why do so many people place value on what status, what peers think, what family thinks…what ever happened to compatibility? And if you were to tell someone that you love them, then do it.  Don’t hold back.  Don’t belittle them to your peers.  Love is not hurtful it is uplifting. 

One young gal said that she loves her man, he wants to marry her and they have been engaged for a min. She cheats on him and will never marry him.  Her reasoning is that he is crappy in bed.  For some reason that hurt me! LOL!  I don’t know this man, but from how she describes him, he seems to really have it together.  She will not let him go but will not fully commit either. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?!?!?!  At the table people laughed and agreed with her decision.  If she invested as much time into communicating what she needs in bed, experimenting and offering training, she might be married by now.  Not to mention, there are some things you just don’t say in regards to the person you love.  This is again a good example.  I am sure that at some point we will all meet him at a company function.  No one will take him seriously and we will all note that he is a lousy lover.  Somehow, I cannot help but reminisce when I was in love.  I recall being defensive about my partner…not offensive!

Love does not seek out its own pleasure (unless of course you are living your life through an Eros based love). It seeks nothing but it’s beloved and the pleasure of its beloved. It is the deriving of pleasure from delivering pleasure; this provides the nutrient.  Love is a rooted feeling that grows and springs forth fruit as time passes.  Those who claim to love and are not rooted endure only as long as it is easy for them.  Let’s not forget those who love for the thrill of it.  All the drama entailed, the gratification of knowing that someone thinks you are higher than you are…Don’t get me wrong, I am just rambling my thoughts and I am not here to say who is TRULY in love and who is NOT.  These are just my thoughts and opinions.  I expressed them at the table but was met with hostility.  I am now retreating to my safe place and ventilating here.

Lastly, the thought that sends a tear trickling down my cheek:

Those who may proclaim love without restrictions; allowed to falsely proclaim love without intentions.  I fear that I may meet someone like that.  It is the one thing that keeps me clinging to my single-hood.  To let go into the arms of someone limited by his own inhibitions. Placing myself out there and not being appreciated or worse becoming part of someone’s cynical game. In the end I comprise all that I described.  I may not talk about it.  I may not belittle men.  But my fears keep me withdrawn in the phileo world as well.  In essence, I am producing the same results as those listed above. Sigh! L

There is a hair site that offers advice for situations such as my own.  They offer great ideas such as pure coconut oil (works lovely) and not so great ideas such as ‘no more shampooing’, hmmm…

Alrighty…on the site I found this sea salt solution recipe that is supposed to reduce frizz, increase shine and maintain moisture. I excitedly tried the sea salt solution on my hair this morning. It was bliss, I could comb my fingers right through and there was lots of shine! YEAH! I just sat in front of the mirror giggling like a loon and swishing my head from side to side.

Finally, I pulled myself out of the pool of narcissism, I had been wading in and headed off to work.  The best feeling in the world is, the feeling of a cool breeze interlocking with each strand of hair.  The hair becomes almost weightless and feels as if it can stretch for miles.  The scalp feels as if it is receiving butterfly kisses from a mischievous group of wind faeries. The feeling in invigorating! 

It takes my hair a good day to dry completely.  To speed up the process I rolled the windows down and turned the heat on full blast (kind of my make shift diffuser J). So as I am driving to work my hair is drying in the pounding wind (caused by what seemed to be the 130 mph I was driving…let’s just say someone was running late) and I notice that my scalp started to itch a little. As I succumbed and began to scratch my scalp ( a no, no for curly’s) I could feel some residue on my fingers but thought nothing much about it. So I rush into the office and begin work as normal.  As I sit at my desk I begin to kind of play with my hair to make sure it was not completely wind blown. I notice that the curls framing my face are covered with this WHITE RESIDUE! And I am not talking “oh a little white residue here and there” I am talking “AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I HAVE BEEN ATTACKED BY THE ABOMINABLE WHITE RESIDUE!” well it just so happens that our office is set up in a way that that offers no protection for yours truly.  I have no office or tall cubicle…just me, out in the open like a sitting duck! And as fate would have it I am in the most vulnerable position (smack dab in the middle of EVERYTHING) I normally wear my hair back or part way up. Recently I have been wearing it down. I loved my hair so much this morning that today was no exception. So that means…NO HAIR TIE, CLIP, NOTHING. Initially I thought -hey, maybe I am overreacting and it is not as bad as it seems.  Sadly, I am NOT the only one who has noticed. Judging from facial expressions and a few rather rude comments, the back of my hair must look like a giant curly snowflake! I am sure people must be thinking that I either have major dandruff or a horrible case of lice! To make matters worse our company is in the process of moving- so we are acting as host to a variety of folks. I just want to fall to pieces! L I was thinking about just wetting my hair in the restroom sink, but since I have no products on hand (where is my lovely coconut oil when I need it!), I might end up with a giant cotton ball which would most likely still have white horrid's  mixed in among the tresses. L Not to mention I have a lot of hair so “wetting” is an understatement.  I would have to almost shower in the sink. 

I remember over the summer I was so in tune with God that I literally could hear his still small voice.  It was the most amazing thing!  I felt so alive, so rejuvenated and in touch with him.  Nothing could steal my joy or authority through him.  And then somehow I took a missed step…I am not sure when it happened. But I now find myself in a sea of fog.  I feel almost broken…I want to be back in the light again…but I feel like I’m pulling dead weight.  There seems to be no motivation.  I need prayer. I need support.  I suppose it may be that I have no friends or even acquaintances who are saved.  Not sure why… but at this moment I feel alone in “a world that is not my home”.

Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To Lyrics
 
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear 
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to
 
  Chorus:
 
Causei’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to
 
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to
*************************************
This is an oldie but goodie. J  I love sitting in my car and just 
banging my head on the steering wheel as I listen to this song 
full blast! LOL.  Just jokes...Here is a portion of the lyrics…
 
LINKIN PARK LYRICS
"Numb"
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

It has been a min since I posted anything about my team.  This will be brief.  We finally found our footing and seem to be going strong again. Kings are looking great with 7 straight... or is it 8?  No, I believe it is 7.  Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.  We played the Lakers tonight and it was an enjoyable game.  Kings won 109 to 106. The last few min were spent tied with the Lakers inching ahead and then tied again and so forth.  Peja finally set us over the top at the line. It was then smooth sailing with 6 seconds left. 

Initally I was biting my nails...we started off in the lead but those blasted Lakers kept creeping up from behind.  After awhile I felt like screaming, "is there a reason we keep sending Kobe to the line?!?!?!" I mean good grief, I know that he is prime with Shaq gone and what not, but let us not lose our heads. LOL! Peja was awesome and dare I say it...Webber had a few good moves up his sleeve.  Although he started dying in the 4th. It was a good game and both teams played well.